Ten Facebook Friends You Won't Unfriend

   

      Zuckerberg wins.  Facebook rules our lives.  Unless you live on a remote island in the Pacific Ocean or work aboard the International Space Station, you've become an avid follower of your thousand closest friends on Facebook.  You scroll your news feed at lightning speed and "like" at least 100 posts each day.  Hash tags, text-type, and buzz proliferate your page.  You don't know why you just "liked" your best friend's food pic, but it's too late.  You're already responding to your high school girlfriend's husband's politically insensitive meme.  It's life... well, at least it's somebody's life.  

      The jungle that is called a "social network" thrives on the egotism, drama, and satire of everyday folks.  Without the self-inflation, zealotry, and voyeurism that makes the web spin, The Facebook would be a social disaster.  Here's a tribute to the ten people you won't unfriend even though they drive you crazy...

1)  The Crossfitter.  A serious, Workout-aholic.  Affiliated with at least one Crossfit gym.  
Today, I completed the WOD in 6:27.  PR.  I couldn't do another burpee even if I tried.  Protein shake, cool down, and snuggles with my bulldog for me.  I'm exhausted.

2)  Foodie.  Literally, thinks they're the next best thing since sliced bread.  
I just whipped up a batch of my Grandma's peanut butter cookies.  Mmmmm... they smell so good... I'm thinking about submitting this recipe to Food Network.

3)  Whiner.  Self-explanatory... a chronic, public whiner.  
Woke up at 5 am for work today, was pulled over for speeding because I spilled my coffee on the dash and couldn't reset cruise control, and then I got to work to realize I wasn't scheduled today after all.

4)  Politician.  Politically illogical, dramatic, and usually overly zealous pseudo pundits.  
The American voting system would be better off if land owners were the only citizens that could vote.

5)  Troll.  Ignorantly inflammatory drive-by posters.  
Ferguson cops want to kill black people.

6)  Frequent texter.  No filter on stupid or inane mini-posts.  
woke up, but still tired ...  yummy breakfast with hubby ... morning yoga always brightens my day ... I LOVE TLC ... should probably get groceries, hubby used up the eggs on my yummy breakfast!

7)  Selfie.  Always a pic of themselves, anywhere, anytime.  
Me and my bro at Chili's ... check out the Grand Canyon behind me... didn't think I could photo bomb myself

8)  New Parent.  Proud, obsessive guardians of a new, impressionable life.  
definitely preggers... coming soon, another little baby next February... anyone need baby advice?  I'm only brand-new to this whole thing, but I'll post on your page a laundry list of advice along with every book (two) I've ever read on raising children...

9)  Hash tagger.  Serial tagger... doesn't have to make sense... ever!  
#Merica  #Crazy4Waffles  #WillWork4Food  #WorkStrong  #MericaStrong #Merica4WafflesWillWork4CrazyStrong

10)  Gamer.  Weirdos that link their gaming habits to their Facebook profiles.  
Henry has invited you to play Candy Crush... Jim has invited you to water his corn in farmville... Kim has spent nine straight hours killing zombies with plants she grew from sunshine.

      Crazy Facebook friends, you make this whole social networking thing work.  Zuckerberg owns you.  Stay crazy, friends.  #NeverUnfriend

The War on (Bearded) Men

      American political hilarity reaches an all-time high as blue political leaders expose reds' alleged "war on women."  The Democratic National Chairman (woman, whoops!), Debbie Wasserman Schultz, sounds the alarm on red politicians that would legislate in favor of pro-life policies.  Said policies would carefully examine women's access to publicly funded reproductive health services, birth control methods and abortion services.
      For-profit companies such as Hobby Lobby cover their employees for 16 of the FDA's 20 approved contraceptions, yet their refusal to provide the morning-after pill has become the animus which fuels liberal scorn.  Apparently, limitations on publicly paid contraceptives has now become the new face of liberal politicking, thereby instigating a war on all women... an obvious slap to all women who would expect their taxpayer friends to pay for baby-killing contraception.
      I'm sorry but politics has hit an all-time low.  This constitutes a "war on women?"  For real?
      Well, if we're speaking seriously, then I want to levy my own war.  This war is against male politicians.  Dudes, where are your BEARDS?!  Reds and blues continue to lose favor in the eyes of their constituents for being weasly, weak-kneed, out-of-touch, elitist bums (no offense, bums).  Gents, perception is reality.  Your constituents think these things because you guys look like lifeless, asexual, storeroom mannequins.  It's time to buck the trend, and win the war... the war against bearded men!
      Attention all dude politicians, beards look manly.  Even bad ones (enter Mark Wahlberg).  During your 6-week vacation from the Hill, please give the razors a break.  In fact, while you're at it, partake in some other manly ventures.  Hammer some nails, bench press a lot of iron, start a campfire, break up a bar fight, off road in an old Jeep.  Given the increasing desperation Americans' carry for strong governmental leaders, please consider looking like an Alpha male.  Grow a beard.  It's what tough men do.
      Women, forgive this sexist post.  If you're offended then please hang up the pantsuit... I'm clearly waging war on you.  #Beards4Politics
     

How to Fight a Bully if You Must

   

Seven years since the vaunted "troop surge" in Iraq, Americans still confront an increasingly hostile terrorist threat in the region.  In the wake of a controversial withdrawal from a land once believed to harbor weapons of mass destruction, U.S. combat troops and air support have been called on again to suppress the enemy.  Who America is officially at war with is still undecided.  While politicians take a break from Capitol Hill to flirt with their constituents ahead of the November mid-term election, White House executive order commands America's finest to tickle-bomb a non-Islamic, semi-enemy in the Levant.  Without a Congressional declaration of war, a comprehensive strategy for victory, or a foreseeable entry or exit for successful combat operations in Iraq and Syria, "boots on the ground" and airstrikes pursue a seemingly unattainable resolution in the Middle East.  Politicians take a 6-week campaigning vacation even as an evil bully, named ISIS, cuts off the heads of Western journalists, traffics Christian women and children for sex, inspires lone-wolf terrorism in America, and openly vows to slaughter Christians, Westerners, and U.S. Military families.
      Battle-worn Americans, I'm sorry to break this to you, but we can't win the hearts and minds of bullies.  There is no private mercenary, no foreign militia, no economic sanction, or United Nations speech that can defeat this bully.  This bully won't go away when the November elections are over and the media gets tired of politicizing Middle East atrocities.  This isn't the type of bully that responds to peace talks, three cups of tea, or multilateral/cultural/national intervention.  This bully doesn't just want to stick your head in a toilet, steal your lunch money, and scribble profanities in your school notebook.
      So, it's time for America to stop pandering and Ned Flander-ing.  We need to pick up our dignity, find our national pride, and buckle up for a helluva fight.

To fight this bully we need to:

1).  Be constitutional:  Congress must declare war on ISIS.  This serves as the constitutional precursor to levy funds in support of combat troops, training, and resources.

2).  Be a leader:  POTUS needs to bench press a couple hundred pounds and then address the teleprompter with a little testosterone.  Speak to the world, speak for America...  "America will avenge injustice, protect the persecuted, and kill all terrorists."  Say it with your chest like a grown-ass man.

3).  Be accountable:  "Moderate Muslims" from every country must publicly condemn ISIS's egregious perversion of Islam.  If ISIS isn't really Islamic, then it shouldn't be difficult for the Muslim community to openly refute such radicalism.  This serves to undermine ISIS's radical ideology and deter truth-seeking muslims from fostering violent misconceptions about Islam.

4).  Be brave:  Military leaders need to be given the go-ahead to execute a comprehensive military strategy that includes conventional and unconventional boots on the ground, targeted airstrikes, and persistent intelligence-surveillance-reconnaissance.  Political weakness is hamstringing the most powerful military in the history of the world.  Take the handcuffs off of our troops and let them win this fight for America.

5).  Be American:  Every American needs to cue Toby Keith's "Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue," post an American flag in their front lawn, and honor those that fight bullies to secure their privilege to live in a free country.  Live #AmericaStrong.  #AmericaFightsBullies.
     
     

Border Security Is Not Always About Illegals

     

      There, on a modest, bronze plaque in the pedestal of the Statue of Liberty, a poem is etched.  The words bring life to the towering monument it serves as awe-inspired visitors silently hang on the meaning of every written line.  The American essence, if for just a moment, finds perfect perspective in a sonnet...

Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:

I lift my lamp beside the golden door.

      But how should the visitor interpret this, today?  Is this a carte blanche call for amnesty of illegal immigrants living inside the U.S.?  Should suspected affiliates of terrorist organizations be permitted reentry into America?  Is it permissible for gravely ill Ebola victims to be admitted for medical treatment?  

      Politicians frequently cite the language in this poem to rally emotional support for immigration reform.  Often inspiring pro-amnesty sentiments, these politicians encumber America with a perverse moral obligation to accept illegal entrants to this country.  With little realistic concern for national security or the general health and wellness of American public works, politicians sensationalize the desperation of immigrants intruding upon our borders and strive to increase their civil protections.  In a humiliating effort to reduce federal law in a sovereign country and court the ever-increasing hispanic vote in America, red and blue politicians downplay the importance of the naturalization process and avoid any fear-mongering reference to "border security."

      Well, here's a wake up call, America.  Border security isn't just about illegal migrant workers, refugee children, and expired work visas.  It's also about terrorism, drug trade, sex trafficking, and healthcare!  Do the people involved in terrorist acts, exportation of drugs, sale of women and children, and spread of deathly illnesses sound like "your huddled masses yearning to breathe free?"  Politicians need to get serious about border control and give the Emma Lazarus "Huddled Masses" soundtrack a breather. 

      Emma Lazarus, the poet of the afore written poem, was not a constitutional scholar.  Neither was she a TSA agent, a law enforcement officer, a uniformed service member, or a healthcare practitioner.  She wouldn't have to frisk a bomb-laden airline passenger, interdict a shipment of drugs, or disinfect the sores of an Ebola victim.   

      A well-intending and inspirational writer, Lazarus rightly captures America's longstanding reputation to charitably and hospitably welcome the world's endangered, disaffected, and persecuted.  But a reasonable reader should avoid the overly romantic belief that all of the world's people come here to obey American laws, speak the national language, and become proud U.S. citizens.  There are very real threats to the health and security of this country.  Reducing the importance of border security with a 36-word sonnet seems a bit shallow.  Don't you think?

      Politicians would more deftly serve their constituents by playing the Francis Scott Key "Miraculous Flag of My Awesome Country" soundtrack.  The final stanza of his Defence of Fort McHenry ("The Star-Spangled Banner") reads like a thankful and proud free man...

O!  thus be it ever, when freemen shall stand

Between their loved home and the war's desolation!

Blest with victory and peace, may the heav'n rescued land

Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation.

Then conquer we must, when our cause it is just,

And this be our motto: 'In God is our trust.'

And the star-spangled banner in triumph shall wave

O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!